If you’ve ever wanted to waste an hour watching a lifeless story about a woman raising chickens at the end of World War One, then this is the movie for you!

Eugene O’Brien (1620 Vine St) plays Major Baldwin, who pretends he isn’t a soldier so he can more easily talk to the locals. Everyone hates him for not being a soldier, so that didn’t work.

There are very few images for this movie online, so I went with the simple and obvious choice. Fun fact: this is the first one of these posters to include horrible blackface. Not that there’s good blackface.

It’s like film noir, but with oversaturated color and a truly nonsense storyline featuring two sisters: one who works for a man trying to become mayor and clean up the town, and one who is a kleptomaniac just out of prison. And there’s a weird love quadrangle thing going on. And Chekov’s speargun.

One thing is sure- Arlene Dahl (1624 Vine St) worked all the angles to wring as much cash as she could out of this gig. Besides whatever she got for acting, there was a line in the credits that said “Arlene Dahl’s lingerie by Arlene Dahl Fashions.” and then there’s this:

Two fake posters based on beach movies in a row. One more and I have to change my name to Moondoggie.

Wikipedia calls this a “comedy drama war film,” but I think they need to add “bawdy” in there somewhere.

This was yet another time I wish I knew Spanish. If I did, I could have watched a talkie where Delores del Rio (1630 Vine Street) was the lead, instead of a synchronized sound movie where she’s “the pretty girl” in a love triangle with the two lead actors.

I didn’t quite match the font for this fake poster, but I think it still works. Please enjoy my half-assed “colorization.”

If you’re a high school teacher who hates his job, I can see how running away with a showgirl might look appealing, but it’s probably not going to work out.

When the first Oscars were presented, the Academy supposedly had a problem. The actor with the most votes for Best Actor was Rin Tin Tin, and they couldn’t give the first award to a dog or they’d never be taken seriously. So they went with the runner up, Emil Jannings.

Who later turned out to be a Nazi. Which didn’t stop the Walk of Fame from giving him a star in 1960 (1630 Vine Street). But to be fair, they also gave Rin Tin Tin his star on the same day.

Today’s poster is another entry into the Good Idea, Bad Execution Club.

Why does a movie full of strong banter between the two leads grind to a stop to include a hokey singing kids number? And why does it do it twice?

Delmer Daves (1634 Vine Street) wrote this based on his script for Love Affair. I wonder if the singing kids are as distracting in that version of the story.

Today’s fake poster is based on one for a different movie about affairs and remembering.

An aggressively standard old school crime thriller (complimentary). Really fun to watch a movie from when they used to actually film in Los Angeles. I’m pretty sure part of this was shot at a motel that’s around the corner from my apartment.

Jane Greer (1634 Vine Street) only has one scene in this. I should have watched something else and saved this until I needed a Joe Don Baker movie.

Fake poster time!

Gary Cooper was forced to make this. He didn’t want to do it because he thought you couldn’t have a western without gunfights. There is one gunfight at the end, and I wonder if that was added to appease him.

…and it’s really more of a love story between Cooper and Walter Brennan, who plays the friendly murderous judge with charm Cooper can’t resist. Oh, you’re supposed to think he loves Doris Davenport, but Brennan’s the one he spends the most time with- and wakes up with in bed.

Fred Stone (Walk of Fame: 1634 Vine Street) plays Davenport’s father. He was best known as a stage performer. He was the first person to play The Scarecrow in a stage production of The Wizard of Oz.

I’m not sure how this movie connects to a movie about an Australian woman obsessed with ABBA and weddings, but here you go:

This movie is terrible, and not in a fun way. Barely an hour long, but it feels like four. It’s biggest claim to fame is that it’s the last film of Marie Provost, who I only knew as the subject of a not quite accurate Nick Lowe song.

Tom Moore (star at 1640 Vine Street) plays Mr. Corbett, father of the leading man’s romantic interest and inventor of something that has to do with car engines, but because the script is incredibly lazy it never gets a name. Come on, just call it the “Ultra Efficient Spark Inducer” or “Frictionless Piston” or something. No one watching cares if it makes sense, they just want to know what to call it.

I picked the source for today’s poster because it was pretty.