While I was watching I was thinking “one of these guys is a much more engaging actor. I wonder how they cast the other one.”
The “other one” is the writer and director.
I wanted to base today’s fake poster on Twins but the layout didn’t quite work, so I went with a different twin film.
I watched this for tonight’s episode of Flop TV. It probably would have been a better movie if it had been made with no stars or cash. I wonder how much of the $100 million budget went to celebrity paychecks.
Today’s fake poster is OH SO MUCH BETTER than the thing I farted out yesterday, but based on an old poster that I’m guessing most people wouldn’t recognize. PROVE ME WRONG, I DARE YOU!
I knew I was in for a high quality piece of cinema when it opened with this title card:
This is the best movie with an old man in a fishing hat fighting to stop an eight year old girl from forcing her mother (with the help of a secret evil organization and the owner of a basketball team) to give birth to the reincarnation of Space Satan I’ve ever seen. At that doesn’t even mention the ice skating fight, or the commune full of bald children led by Space Jesus in what looks like a very nice suburban home in space.
Mel Ferrer (Walk of Fame star at 6268 Hollywood Boulevard) plays the head of the evil secret organization. He gets killed by birds. I’m not sure if he’s covered in blood or bird crap.
Today’s fake poster… isn’t very good. It looks less like a movie poster, and more like a repackaged DVD in the five dollar bin at Walmart.
After I saw this I heard some people outside the theater complaining that there was too much setup and flashback and not enough fighting- which is weird, because the whole point of this movie is that this couple is actually deeply in love, but they’re terrible at it.
Today’s poster inspiration was an obvious choice for fans of late seventies Bette Midler.
Some things that never happen in real life that happen for extra drama in this movie:
The most amazing thing about this movie: it doesn’t end when the chorus girl finishes her triumphant performance. In the last scene (and yes, I’m about to spoil the ending of a 92 year old movie) the director, who has worked himself nearly to death to complete the play and secure his future, stands outside the theater. Weak and unrecognized, people pass him saying that he deserves no credit and that the chorus girl is the reason the show works. And then the credits roll! Way darker than I ‘d expect, but maybe Depression era audiences were primed for that little gut punch.
And why does this movie hate Philadelphia?
I’m not sure exactly where Una Merle’s star is. The Walk of Fame directory says 6262 Hollywood Boulevard, but Wikipedia claims 6230. I guess I’ll have to go look.
It looks like the poster I copied for this was a linocut, and I wasn’t up for spending a day or two replicating the effect accurately, so I faked it. Close enough if you don’t look too hard.
This movie is incredibly gross and dumb, and I loved it. If you can laugh at over the top gore, you might be the target audience.
Today’s fake poster originally was going to be a knockoff MCU Avengers thing, but I saw this shot of Peter Dinklage and knew what had to be done.
If you ever have to become a ghost, it seems like the ones in Topper are the most pleasant. You’re basically the Invisible Woman from the Fantastic Four, without the force fields but with bonus intangibility powers.
Constance Bennett spends most of the movie hitting on Roland Young (who, despite what the billing says, is the real star of this movie).
Today’s fake poster is completely based on slant rhyme.
That litter box was way too small for that cat.
Today’s fake poster is really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
I’ve never watched Laurel & hardy, but based on this movie, this seems to be the formula for most of their comedy:
Can you tell which one I thought was funnier?
William Seiter’s Wikipedia entry says “Seiter earned a reputation for his charming comedies that were moderately paced and kept the laughs coming quietly, rather than resorting to obvious jokes and slapstick.” He must have abandoned that for this movie.
…and now it’s time for another “you’ll only know the reference if you’re a movie poster fanatic” fake poster!
Marilyn Monroe with glasses is so much hotter than Marilyn Monroe without them. However, I did appreciate that her vanity about being seen wearing them explained that a lot of her ditziness and clumsiness was actually symptoms of blindness.
This was one of the first CinemaScope pictures, and you can tell by the opening scene: a five minute performance by a full orchestra that has nothing to do with the story. They obviously thought “Hey, we’ve got a really wide screen- what’s a really wide thing with impressive sound we can film?”
How to Marry a Millionaire was directed by Jean Negulesco. He received his star at 6212 Hollywood Boulevard on February 8, 1960. He was one year older than I am now, so I’m hoping I get my star next year.
Today’s fake poster is based on a slightly different movie about relationships.
