Category: Movie Pass Adventures

  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: Prison Break (1938) and Constance Moore

    Red Kincaid (Ward Bond) and Joaquin Shannon (Barton MacLane) squaring off to fight in prison while prisoners watch and guards hold them back.
    Edmund MacDonald as Chris and Constance Moore as Maria in Prison Break

    This movie was a curse.

    I looked this up on Letterboxd, saw that it had a 3.7 rating out of five, and decided it was worth watching. About halfway in I was so bored that I looked it up again, and learned that its number are probably artificially inflated by sharing the name of a popular TV series. I WUZ HOODWINKED, I TELL YA!

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Constance Moore's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Constance Moore.

    I chose this movie because I was looking for something with Constance Moore I could watch for free. She had pretty high billing, but she only has a couple of scenes at the beginning of the movie, and in the middle we find out that she was killed off-screen. I almost expected a scribbled card reading “POOCHIE DIED ON HIS WAY HOME” to pop up.

    …and to finish off this turd fest: I couldn’t figure out a decent parody poster, and there were pretty much no decent pictures from the movie. And that’s why today’s poster is a halfass reference to the poster for “Ernest Goes to Jail.” The only thing that’s close to the original poster is the lettering.

    A fake poster for Prison Break that just barely references the poster for Ernest Goes to Jail.

  • Movie Pass Adventures: Twinless

    James Sweeney as Dylan in Twinless
    Dylan O'Brien and James Sweeney as Rock and Dennis laying on hotel beds looking at each other.

    While I was watching I was thinking “one of these guys is a much more engaging actor. I wonder how they cast the other one.”

    The “other one” is the writer and director.

    I wanted to base today’s fake poster on Twins but the layout didn’t quite work, so I went with a different twin film.

    A fake poster for Twinless mimicking the poster for Dead Ringers.
    Fediverse reactions

  • Flop House Movie Adventures: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

    Eddie Murphy in The Adventure of Pluto Nash
    Rosario Dawson, Randy Quaid, and Eddie Murphy in The Adventures of Pluto Nash

    I watched this for tonight’s episode of Flop TV. It probably would have been a better movie if it had been made with no stars or cash. I wonder how much of the $100 million budget went to celebrity paychecks.

    Today’s fake poster is OH SO MUCH BETTER than the thing I farted out yesterday, but based on an old poster that I’m guessing most people wouldn’t recognize. PROVE ME WRONG, I DARE YOU!

    A fake poster for The Adventures of Pluto Nash mimicking the poster for The Boys From Brazil.

    Fediverse reactions

  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: The Visitor (1979) and Mel Ferrer

    John Huston in The Visitor
    Paige Collins in The Visitor.

    I knew I was in for a high quality piece of cinema when it opened with this title card:

    The opening card from The Vistor. It reads: "The Producer wishes to gratefully aknowledge Mr. GEORGE BUSBEE Governor of the State of Georgia and Mr. MAYNARD JACKSON Mayor of the city of Atlanta for their helpfull assistance without which this film could never have been made."
    “Spelling? Capitalization? Grammar? Punctuation? Those rules are for cowards.”

    This is the best movie with an old man in a fishing hat fighting to stop an eight year old girl from forcing her mother (with the help of a secret evil organization and the owner of a basketball team) to give birth to the reincarnation of Space Satan I’ve ever seen. At that doesn’t even mention the ice skating fight, or the commune full of bald children led by Space Jesus in what looks like a very nice suburban home in space.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Mel Ferrer's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Mel Ferrer.

    Mel Ferrer (Walk of Fame star at 6268 Hollywood Boulevard) plays the head of the evil secret organization. He gets killed by birds. I’m not sure if he’s covered in blood or bird crap.

    Mel Ferrer covered with wounds (or possibly bird poop) in The Visitor.

    Today’s fake poster… isn’t very good. It looks less like a movie poster, and more like a repackaged DVD in the five dollar bin at Walmart.

    A fake poster for The Visitor poorly mimicking the poster for The Avengers
    They can’t all be gems.

    Fediverse reactions

  • Movie Pass Adventures: The Roses

    Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Colman in The Roses.
    Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch in The Roses.

    After I saw this I heard some people outside the theater complaining that there was too much setup and flashback and not enough fighting- which is weird, because the whole point of this movie is that this couple is actually deeply in love, but they’re terrible at it.

    Today’s poster inspiration was an obvious choice for fans of late seventies Bette Midler.

    A fake poster for The Roses mimicking the poster for The Rose.
    Fediverse reactions

  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: 42nd Street and Una Merkel

    Julian Baxter (Warner Masher) sits in profile on a chair in silhouette. Behind him on stage the cast of Pretty Lady (the musical in 42nd Street) is practicing.
    The chorus girls from 42nd Street.

    Some things that never happen in real life that happen for extra drama in this movie:

    • The director is backstage on opening night, still directing
    • The main backer threatens to pull out of the show the night before opening, when things are already paid for
    • There is no understudy for the lead role

    The most amazing thing about this movie: it doesn’t end when the chorus girl finishes her triumphant performance. In the last scene (and yes, I’m about to spoil the ending of a 92 year old movie) the director, who has worked himself nearly to death to complete the play and secure his future, stands outside the theater. Weak and unrecognized, people pass him saying that he deserves no credit and that the chorus girl is the reason the show works. And then the credits roll! Way darker than I ‘d expect, but maybe Depression era audiences were primed for that little gut punch.

    And why does this movie hate Philadelphia?

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Una Merkel's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Una Merkel.

    I’m not sure exactly where Una Merle’s star is. The Walk of Fame directory says 6262 Hollywood Boulevard, but Wikipedia claims 6230. I guess I’ll have to go look.

    It looks like the poster I copied for this was a linocut, and I wasn’t up for spending a day or two replicating the effect accurately, so I faked it. Close enough if you don’t look too hard.

    A fake poster for 42nd Street mimicking the poster for Streets of Fire.
    Fediverse reactions

  • Movie Pass Adventures: The Toxic Avenger Unrated

    The titular Toxic Avenger.
    Elijah Wood as Fritz Garbinger in The Toxic Avenger

    This movie is incredibly gross and dumb, and I loved it. If you can laugh at over the top gore, you might be the target audience.

    Today’s fake poster originally was going to be a knockoff MCU Avengers thing, but I saw this shot of Peter Dinklage and knew what had to be done.

    A fake poster for The Toxic Avenger mimicking the poster for Eyes Wide Shut.
    Fediverse reactions

  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: Topper (1937) and Constance Bennett

    Cary Grant, Roland Young and Constance Bennett in Topper.
    Roland Young and Constance Bennett in Topper.

    If you ever have to become a ghost, it seems like the ones in Topper are the most pleasant. You’re basically the Invisible Woman from the Fantastic Four, without the force fields but with bonus intangibility powers.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Constance Bennett's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Constance Bennett.

    Constance Bennett spends most of the movie hitting on Roland Young (who, despite what the billing says, is the real star of this movie).

    Today’s fake poster is completely based on slant rhyme.

    A fake poster for Topper mimicking the poster for Looper.
    Fediverse reactions

  • Movie Pass Adventures: Caught Stealing

    Austin Butler in Caught Stealing.
    Jason Bateman, Austin Butler, and Liev Scheiber in Caught Stealing.

    That litter box was way too small for that cat.

    Today’s fake poster is really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

    A fake poster for Caught Steling mimicking the poster for Zoolander.
    Fediverse reactions

  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: Sons of the Desert and William Seiter

    Oliver Hardy & Stan Laurel in Sons of the Desert.
    Oliver Hardy & Stan Laurel in Sons of the Desert.

    I’ve never watched Laurel & hardy, but based on this movie, this seems to be the formula for most of their comedy:

    • Ollie acts like a blowhard.
    • Stan does an absurd and funny thing.
    • Ollie slowly and exactly describes the thing Stan just did.
    • Ollie mugs to the camera.
    • Repeat.

    Can you tell which one I thought was funnier?

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of William Seiter's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of William Seiter.

    William Seiter’s Wikipedia entry says “Seiter earned a reputation for his charming comedies that were moderately paced and kept the laughs coming quietly, rather than resorting to obvious jokes and slapstick.” He must have abandoned that for this movie.

    …and now it’s time for another “you’ll only know the reference if you’re a movie poster fanatic” fake poster!

    A fake poster for Sons of the Desert mimicking the poster for Dog Day Afternoon.
    Fediverse reactions
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