This movie is terrible, and not in a fun way. Barely an hour long, but it feels like four. It’s biggest claim to fame is that it’s the last film of Marie Prevost, who I only knew as the subject of a not quite accurate Nick Lowe song.

Tom Moore (star at 1640 Vine Street) plays Mr. Corbett, father of the leading man’s romantic interest and inventor of something that has to do with car engines, but because the script is incredibly lazy it never gets a name. Come on, just call it the “Ultra Efficient Spark Inducer” or “Frictionless Piston” or something. No one watching cares if it makes sense, they just want to know what to call it.

I picked the source for today’s poster because it was pretty.

It’s really hard to enjoy a lighthearted comedy based entirely on the idea that the Confederacy was actually a great thing, and everybody got along.

Also: I know there’s been some modern takes on Stepin Fetchit that claim his character is more of a joker than a racist caricature, but it sure doesn’t play positively in this movie.

Tom Brown (star at 1648 Vine) started as a child model/actor, then worked his way up to bigger roles. Here he plays Jerome “Rome” Priest, Judge Priest’s nephew fresh out of law school who only wins his case because of his uncle’s meddling.

Today’s poster is completely unrelated to this movie, but I thought it looked cool so I used it. If that bugs you, send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I’ll return what you paid me for this post.

This is actually five unrelated stories of couples finding out that their marriage licenses are invalid because the Justice of the Peace who signed them started a week early. Everything after that is based on legal nonsense. It never quite works. Lee Marvin shows up for a couple of lines.

Mitzi Gaynor plays a woman who is supposed to be married to a soldier going overseas. They find out they’re not married at the same time that she learns she’s pregnant, and hi-jinks happen when they try to get properly married before he leaves.

Gaynor’s star is at 6288 Hollywood Boulevard. The closest star is Janet Gaynor’s, and it turns out having the same last name is not a coincidence. Mitzi took her stage name from Janet.

Gaynor’s star is also the last on before I turn the corner and head down Vine. I’ve fully completed about a fifteenth of the walk.

Today’s fake poster is inspired by a single word:

This movie is often called things like “A dark supernatural romance.” It could also be called “pretty much everyone is a jerk.” Almost every single person in this movie is horrible to someone else, including (and especially) the two main characters.

“My love for you is huge and undeniable, but you’re not rich so I’m gonna marry this other guy.”

“Well, my love is huger and undeniabler, but you’re marrying some else so I’m going to marry your sister in law purely out of spite.”

I learned today that Merle Oberon was half Asian, but hid it until her death. The chemicals she used to lighten her skin were so rough on her face that someone invented a special light to hide all the scarring. If she had been open about her heritage she almost certainly would not have been nominated for Best Actress; the next Asian to get that nod was Michelle Yeoh, 85 years later.

Merle Oberon’s star is at 6274 Hollywood Boulevard.

It was hard to find a connection to another movie; there are very few movie titles that include the word “wuthering.” I ended up finding another movie with a mythical castle instead.

Splitsville

This was fun, but once again I must ask: writer/directors, please stop casting yourselves as leads.

This fake poster was motivated by nothing but the fact that I liked the font on the original but couldn’t find anything that resembled it. So I made my own. It’s only letters right now, and the spacing is a little weird, but it works!

Love Me Forever

I watched this because it was the only Grace Moore movie I could find. She was an opera singer turned actress, so naturally she plays a woman who just happens to be really good at singing opera. She’s fine, but Leo Carrillo (who I honestly only knew from the beach named after him) is way more fun to watch.

This poster continues my current “one good one, one bad one” pattern. This was a good idea, but the execution is weak.

Bonus Walk of Fame Thing!

One of the walk of fame stars is for Frank Fay. He is credited as the creator of modern standup comedy and the entertainment job of emcee. He was also a racist, fascist, antisemitic, egotistical ass, so I went out of my way to watch enough of him to say “I saw him on film” without having to sit through a real performance. I found a twenty minute promotional film with tons of stars called The Stolen Jools. Fay is in it for about ten seconds, and that’s plenty for me. And no star for him, either.

This movie was a curse.

I looked this up on Letterboxd, saw that it had a 3.7 rating out of five, and decided it was worth watching. About halfway in I was so bored that I looked it up again, and learned that its number are probably artificially inflated by sharing the name of a popular TV series. I WUZ HOODWINKED, I TELL YA!

I chose this movie because I was looking for something with Constance Moore I could watch for free. She had pretty high billing, but she only has a couple of scenes at the beginning of the movie, and in the middle we find out that she was killed off-screen. I almost expected a scribbled card reading “POOCHIE DIED ON HIS WAY HOME” to pop up.

…and to finish off this turd fest: I couldn’t figure out a decent parody poster, and there were pretty much no decent pictures from the movie. And that’s why today’s poster is a halfass reference to the poster for “Ernest Goes to Jail.” The only thing that’s close to the original poster is the lettering.

I knew I was in for a high quality piece of cinema when it opened with this title card:

This is the best movie with an old man in a fishing hat fighting to stop an eight year old girl from forcing her mother (with the help of a secret evil organization and the owner of a basketball team) to give birth to the reincarnation of Space Satan I’ve ever seen. At that doesn’t even mention the ice skating fight, or the commune full of bald children led by Space Jesus in what looks like a very nice suburban home in space.

Mel Ferrer (Walk of Fame star at 6268 Hollywood Boulevard) plays the head of the evil secret organization. He gets killed by birds. I’m not sure if he’s covered in blood or bird crap.

Today’s fake poster… isn’t very good. It looks less like a movie poster, and more like a repackaged DVD in the five dollar bin at Walmart.