Tag: photoshop

  • Walk of Fame Adventures: Ten Laps to Go and Tom Moore

    Marie Provost stacking oranges in Ten Laps to Go.
    Tom Moore, Marie Provost, and Muriel Evans in Ten Laps to Go

    This movie is terrible, and not in a fun way. Barely an hour long, but it feels like four. It’s biggest claim to fame is that it’s the last film of Marie Provost, who I only knew as the subject of a not quite accurate Nick Lowe song.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Tom Moore's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Tom Moore.

    Tom Moore (star at 1640 Vine Street) plays Mr. Corbett, father of the leading man’s romantic interest and inventor of something that has to do with car engines, but because the script is incredibly lazy it never gets a name. Come on, just call it the “Ultra Efficient Spark Inducer” or “Frictionless Piston” or something. No one watching cares if it makes sense, they just want to know what to call it.

    I picked the source for today’s poster because it was pretty.

    A fake poster for Ten Laps to Go mimicking the poster for Pretty in Pink.
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  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: Judge Priest and Tom Brown

    Stepin Fetchit and Will Rogers in Judge Priest.
    David Landau and Tom Brown in Judge Priest.

    It’s really hard to enjoy a lighthearted comedy based entirely on the idea that the Confederacy was actually a great thing, and everybody got along.

    Also: I know there’s been some modern takes on Stepin Fetchit that claim his character is more of a joker than a racist caricature, but it sure doesn’t play positively in this movie.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Tom Brown's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Tom Brown.

    Tom Brown (star at 1648 Vine) started as a child model/actor, then worked his way up to bigger roles. Here he plays Jerome “Rome” Priest, Judge Priest’s nephew fresh out of law school who only wins his case because of his uncle’s meddling.

    Today’s poster is completely unrelated to this movie, but I thought it looked cool so I used it. If that bugs you, send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I’ll return what you paid me for this post.

    A fake poster for Judge Priest mimicking the poster for The Misfits.
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  • Monsterdon Movie Adventures: The Food of the Gods

    Marjoe Gortner feverishly pokes at something with a stick in The Food of the Gods.
    Pamela Martin and a giant rat in The Food of the Gods.

    Bert I. Gordon sure loves “Eat and Get Large” movies.

    Marjoe Gortner is a football player who confidently makes bad decisions that get people killed. Pamela Martin plays the woman whose type is apparently “guys who look like scared birds who believe they are always right.” Together they fight giant rats that are actually normal-sized mice or cheap rat costumes.

    The lesson I learned from this movie: If you find a mysterious puddle of white goo, you probably shouldn’t eat it.

    Today’s fake poster is based on a different exploration of the unpredictable effects of deities on mankind.

    A fake poster for The Food of the Gods mimicking the poster for The Gods Must Be Crazy.
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  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: We’re Not Married! and Mitzi Gaynor

    David Wayne grumpy and getting kissed on the cheek by  Marilyn Monroe in We're Not Married!
    Movie bar for We're Not Married!

    This is actually five unrelated stories of couples finding out that their marriage licenses are invalid because the Justice of the Peace who signed them started a week early. Everything after that is based on legal nonsense. It never quite works. Lee Marvin shows up for a couple of lines.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Mitzi Gaynor's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Mitzi Gaynor.

    Mitzi Gaynor plays a woman who is supposed to be married to a soldier going overseas. They find out they’re not married at the same time that she learns she’s pregnant, and hi-jinks happen when they try to get properly married before he leaves.

    Gaynor’s star is at 6288 Hollywood Boulevard. The closest star is Janet Gaynor’s, and it turns out having the same last name is not a coincidence. Mitzi took her stage name from Janet.

    A map highlighting the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Most of the Walk is highlighted with yellow, but the southeast section of Hollywood from Gower to Vine is red.

    Gaynor’s star is also the last on before I turn the corner and head down Vine. I’ve fully completed about a fifteenth of the walk.

    Today’s fake poster is inspired by a single word:

    Garth and Wayne from Wayne's World with "NOT!" superimposed at the bottom of the image.
    There’s a joke in there somewhere.
    A fake poster for We're Not Married! mimicking the poster for Not Another Teen Movie
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  • Movie Pass Adventures: One Battle After Another

    Stylized image of Leonardo Dicaprio wearing a robe, sunglasses, and a wool cap angrily talking into a pay phone.
    Benicio Del Toro in One Battle After Another.

    Finally, the true meaning of Christmas revealed.

    Today’s fake poster comes from a different movie about non-conventional parenting. It perfectly misses the tone of this movie.

    A fake poster for One Battle After Another mimicking the poster for About a Boy.
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  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: Sunset: A Song of Two Humans and Janet Gaynor

     Janet Gaynor and George O'Brien and in Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans.
    George O'Brien and Janet Gaynor in Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans.

    This film is beautiful, once you get past the premise that it’s okay to cheat on your wife and plan to kill her as long as you feel really bad about it.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Janet Gaynor's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Janet Gaynor.

    Janet Gaynor won the first Academy Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role for her part as The Wife. After this she was the lead in the first version of A Star is Born, and apparently turned down the role of Scarlett O’Hara.

    Somewhere in storage I have a promo postcard of the original version of this poster.

    A fake poster for Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans mimicking the poster for Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.
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  • Walk of Fame Movie Adventures: The Lone Wolf Meets a Lady and Jean Muir

    Stylized image of the cast of The Lone Wolf Meets a Lady.
    The cast of The Lone Wolf Meets a Lady.

    This was one of two dozen movies in the Lone Wolf series. They cranked them out pretty quickly. This is the second of three released in 1940. It’s a low budget, shot on the lot, light bit of escapism, the kind where a woman’s supposedly dead husband reappears and gets shot in front of her, and she’s completely fine five minutes later. Goes down easy.

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Jean Muir's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Jean Muir.

    Jean Muir, the titular Lady, was known for being a troublemaker because she would do things like ask questions, or not dress up in public, or (worst of all) “support unions.” She was blacklisted in 1950 for supposed communist activity (though she was never a communist) and couldn’t get acting work for eight years.

    The problem with today’s fake poster is that the original is deceptively simple, which means anything off really sticks out.

    A fake poster for The Lone Wolf Meets a Lady mimicking the poster for Beauty and the Beast.
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  • Walk of Fame Adventures: Wuthering Heights and Merle Oberon

    Merle Oberon and Laurence Olivier in Wuthering Heights.
    Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon in Wuthering Heights.

    This movie is often called things like “A dark supernatural romance.” It could also be called “pretty much everyone is a jerk.” Almost every single person in this movie is horrible to someone else, including (and especially) the two main characters.

    “My love for you is huge and undeniable, but you’re not rich so I’m gonna marry this other guy.”

    “Well, my love is huger and undeniabler, but you’re marrying some else so I’m going to marry your sister in law purely out of spite.”

    Composite picture. On the left, a mockup of Merle Oberon's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. On the Right, a black and white portrait photo of Merle Oberon.

    I learned today that Merle Oberon was half Asian, but hid it until her death. The chemicals she used to lighten her skin were so rough on her face that someone invented a special light to hide all the scarring. If she had been open about her heritage she almost certainly would not have been nominated for Best Actress; the next Asian to get that nod was Michelle Yeoh, 85 years later.

    Merle Oberon’s star is at 6274 Hollywood Boulevard.

    It was hard to find a connection to another movie; there are very few movie titles that include the word “wuthering.” I ended up finding another movie with a mythical castle instead.

    A fake poster for Wuthering Heights mimicking the poster for Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle.
    I do not want to admit how much effort I put into that dumb logo.
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  • Retro Movie Adventures: In the Mood For Love (2000)

    Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung in In the Mood for Love.
    Maggie Cheung in In the Mood for Love

    100 minutes of beautiful people staring longingly at each other. Totally works.

    My biggest regret: I wasn’t feeling well, so I ducked out before In the Mood for Love 2001, a coda short that hasn’t played anywhere but Cannes until this remaster. Stupid oncoming cold made me miss it!

    Today’s fake poster is from a different movie about love and trust.

    A fake poster for In the Mood for Love mimicking the poster for Meet the Parents.
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  • Movie Pass Adventures: The Long Walk

    Cooper Hoffman and David Jonsson in The Long Walk
    The cast of The Long Walk

    This is the first of this year’s Stephen King Perambulation Pictures- The Running Man comes out in November.

    What I don’t understand about this movie: they know they can’t stop for any reason, not even to go to the bathroom. So why are they all wearing normal pants? If I were doing this I’d wear a kilt regimental style.

    Also: If I were doing this I would die.

    I think this is a good idea for a fake poster, but I’ve got a cold coming on and my body seems to think going to bed would be a better use of my time than making a poster that only four people will see, so you get this proof of concept:

    A fake poster for The Long Walk mimicking the poster for Run Lola Run.
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