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My Mortal Enemy

Everyone has a Mortal Enemy. Today you will meet mine.

Today I tell the tale of my greatest rival, my nemesis, my one true foe: Daniel Quinn. Who is Daniel Quinn? I JUST TOLD YOU HE IS MY FOE. MY MORTAL ENEMY, FOR CORN SAKE.

But if you want to know why he’s my foe…

About a year ago I started a project: to ride on every single street in the San Fernando Valley. It fell by the wayside, mostly because of bad weather and laziness, but also because it was hard to figure out exactly where the streets of the Valley ended.

But recently I found wandrer.earth, a site uses your ride data from Strava to figure out exactly what roads you have ridden and how much progress you have made. I signed up, went to my map, and saw this:

A map of my rides through the San Fernando Valley.
Guess which corner of the Valley I live in.

Look at that magic! A beautiful map showing all of my carefully planned trips to precisely cover every single street. And now I had a number: 18.66 percent. Only 81.34 percent left.

Then I saw the link to the leaderboard. I had to know if I was on top. I clicked the link.

I was number TWO. Who was number one?

DANIEL. QUINN.

And adding insult to injury, look at his map. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Now guess which corner HE lives in.

HE’S NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIT EVERY ROAD. He just rides so much that he’s picked up tons of streets ON A WHIM.

He is the most dangerous kind of mortal enemy:
the one who doesn’t know he is a mortal enemy.

I will crush him. CRUSH HIM.

In the Valley. Eventually. I hope. Everywhere else he will destroy me. See how most of my rides are straight lines, and how his are all bendy? That’s because he rides the hills. A lot. He could probably knock out the Valley in a week if he tried.

So I must work silently to destroy him. And then, when my task is done, I shall gloat on his Strava page about conquering him, destroying him, humiliating him!

And he will say “Who are you?”

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