At the start of this month, I had covered 18.66 percent of the San Fernando Valley. Quinn had 24.9 percent, the cruel coward! But the tides are turning, old friend. This month he has only added a PATHETIC 0.7 miles to his Valley total.
I now have conquered 21.16 percent of the Valley, more than 40 percent of the gap between us. If I maintain THIS EXACT PACE (which seems impossible to deny as possible) , then I will best this cruel tyrant on May 6th, and there will be much rejoicing!
Unless he rides his bike in the Valley between now and then… just the kind of decietful trickery I have come to expect from this blackguard, this lout, this contemptible scoundrel. I MUST BE VIGILANT AND WARY!
And then there’s Hunter Baoengstrum. He is not my foe…YET.
It is only a matter of time.
Why do I say this? Because Hunter Baoengstrum is systematically riding all the streets of Los Angeles County. He hasn’t started the Valley, but it’s only a matter of time. And look at the ride HE went on yesterday:
FIFTY-FOUR NEW MILES. IN ONE DAY. Sure it took him six hours, but HE DID IT. One day he will cross the Santa Monica Mountains and begin his attack. When he does, Daniel Quinn and I will face a true challenge. A challenge that will probably require Daniel and I to enter into an uneasy truce to defeat Hunter. A truce that the nefarious Daniel will break when he reveals that the two of them have been secret allies all along, plotting my destruction. BUT I AM ON TO BOTH OF YOU. Your plot is doomed to fail! I SHALL TRIUMPH AGAINST ALL ODDS!
Also: Here’s a fun little video showing today’s ride:
Are You a Magician? – SoKo Candy-Coated Popcorn, Peanuts and a Prize [Crackerjack commercial] The Ties That Bind – Bruce Springsteen
How Now (ft. Feist) – Snowblink Remote Control – Beastie Boys
World Of Shit – Eels Garden – herbal tea Hard to Handle – Otis Redding Shrooms – Interlude – The Lonely Island
True Love Ways – Buddy Holly Try It Baby – Marvin Gaye Got No Heart – The Paper Hearts A Fine Romance – Billie Holiday Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel Country Sad Ballad Man – Blur Dream TV – The Sugarcubes Who’s Mess, Who’s Tears – Made-Up Wild Situation – Dennis Wilson
Funky Boss – Beastie Boys Beside You – Van Morrison I’m Gonna Let My Heart Do The Walking – Diana Ross and The Supremes People Are Like Suns – Crowded House Breakers – Local Natives Calling Miss Khadija – Freddie Hubbard & Woody Shaw
Oldest Story In The World – The Plimsouls For Baby (For Bobby) – Peter, Paul & Mary Jet Boy, Jet Girl – The Damned Hey Ya – Outkast Turn Away – Beck
In Dreamed Lives – Tender Tones April Come She Will – Simon and Garfunkel I’m Looking Through You – Ted Leo Apartment – L I P S I’m Telling You – CAPTAIN SCOTT You Bowed Down – Elvis Costello Champagne & The Starlite – Theya Hermann Disappear – Beyoncé Slow and Low – Beastie Boys
Captions – Dog Traders Less – Ben Harper Beggar’s Bliss – Luna I Hate Myself For Loving You – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts Honey Power – My Bloody Valentine Taneo Dance Fever – Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra Digging For Clams – Almonds, Cohen
50ish recent tracks, mostly picked by my phone. Some of these played while I was riding in the wind and couldn’t actually hear them, but I assume they were embedded in my brain subconsciously.
Marijuana – Cibo Matto Don’t Call Me Billy (Demo) – Elliott Smith
Instrumental – Richard Thompson & Linda Thompson Wish – Wyatt Smith Chango – Ozomatli Save It Pretty Mama – Louis Armstrong Higher Ground – Stevie Wonder Lowell, MA – Death Cab For Cutie
Do It Again – Hysterics Stand! – Sly & The Family Stone Severe Tire Damage Theme – They Might Be Giants Sunshine Of Your Love – Cream S-E-X-X-Y – They Might Be Giants Tug of Love – Dennis Wilson I Desire – Devo Murder Of Crows – Jamie T Anything – TOPS Could You Drive Me Home – Preparation 500 I’ll See You in My Dreams – Django Reinhardt Life Is Still Sweet – White Hassle
Hyacinth Blues – The Constantines Temptation Waits – Garbage polaroid smmr – Detective Deckard Little Boxes (dirty version) – Kris Gruen Mind Fuck – The Soft Centerfold – The J. Geils Band I’m In Great Shape – Brian Wilson Runnin’ With the Devil (Van Halen cover) – The Vatican Cellars Pump-Rama – Killer Pussy He’s a Mighty Good Leader – Beck Regrets – Ben Folds Five I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) – Stevie Wonder Go West – Liz Phair My Guitar – Nader & the Trees Jalousie – Esquivel A Horse with No Name (America) – Larrikin Love Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) – Nouvelle Vague
Tonight You Belong to Me – Trashcan Sinatras Happiness – Callum Pitt
Le temps – Mha Evil – Howlin’ Wolf Modesty Plays [Extended Version] – Sparks Witch Doctor – David Seville Sky So Blue – Hot Flash Heat Wave Seven Seas – Echo and the Bunnymen Ballad – HAMJAM Love Me Two Times – The Doors
Today I tell the tale of my greatest rival, my nemesis, my one true foe: Daniel Quinn. Who is Daniel Quinn? I JUST TOLD YOU HE IS MY FOE. MY MORTAL ENEMY, FOR CORN SAKE.
But if you want to know why he’s my foe…
About a year ago I started a project: to ride on every single street in the San Fernando Valley. It fell by the wayside, mostly because of bad weather and laziness, but also because it was hard to figure out exactly where the streets of the Valley ended.
But recently I found wandrer.earth, a site uses your ride data from Strava to figure out exactly what roads you have ridden and how much progress you have made. I signed up, went to my map, and saw this:
Look at that magic! A beautiful map showing all of my carefully planned trips to precisely cover every single street. And now I had a number: 18.66 percent. Only 81.34 percent left.
Then I saw the link to the leaderboard. I had to know if I was on top. I clicked the link.
I was number TWO. Who was number one?
And adding insult to injury, look at his map. JUST LOOK AT IT.
HE’S NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIT EVERY ROAD. He just rides so much that he’s picked up tons of streets ON A WHIM.
He is the most dangerous kind of mortal enemy: the one who doesn’t know he is a mortal enemy.
I will crush him. CRUSH HIM.
In the Valley. Eventually. I hope. Everywhere else he will destroy me. See how most of my rides are straight lines, and how his are all bendy? That’s because he rides the hills. A lot. He could probably knock out the Valley in a week if he tried.
So I must work silently to destroy him. And then, when my task is done, I shall gloat on his Strava page about conquering him, destroying him, humiliating him!