My Mortal Foe, Daniel Quinn: VANQUISHED!
Peep this:
TWENTY FIVE POINT TWO PERCENT. Pity poor Daniel Quinn, for his paltry 25.02% of the Valley has been crushed.
This is me:
…and this is PATHETIC HAS BEEN DANIEL QUINN:
At this point, the only way he could possibly catch me is if he rode SEVEN MILES. IMPOSSIBLE! NO MAN CAN RIDE SEVEN MILES AND LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.
My glory will never be surpassed!
The killing blow:
Now go and tell the world of this glorious day!
(maybe don’t tell Daniel)
As you know, Daniel Quinn is my mortal enemy – but my campaign to defeat him is working!
At the start of this month, I had covered 18.66 percent of the San Fernando Valley. Quinn had 24.9 percent, the cruel coward! But the tides are turning, old friend. This month he has only added a PATHETIC 0.7 miles to his Valley total.
Now check this out:
Including today’s ride to Tujunga & Sunland, I have added 88.3!
I now have conquered 21.16 percent of the Valley, more than 40 percent of the gap between us. If I maintain THIS EXACT PACE (which seems impossible to deny as possible) , then I will best this cruel tyrant on May 6th, and there will be much rejoicing!
Unless he rides his bike in the Valley between now and then… just the kind of decietful trickery I have come to expect from this blackguard, this lout, this contemptible scoundrel. I MUST BE VIGILANT AND WARY!
And then there’s Hunter Baoengstrum. He is not my foe…YET.
It is only a matter of time.
Why do I say this? Because Hunter Baoengstrum is systematically riding all the streets of Los Angeles County. He hasn’t started the Valley, but it’s only a matter of time. And look at the ride HE went on yesterday:
FIFTY-FOUR NEW MILES. IN ONE DAY. Sure it took him six hours, but HE DID IT. One day he will cross the Santa Monica Mountains and begin his attack. When he does, Daniel Quinn and I will face a true challenge. A challenge that will probably require Daniel and I to enter into an uneasy truce to defeat Hunter. A truce that the nefarious Daniel will break when he reveals that the two of them have been secret allies all along, plotting my destruction. BUT I AM ON TO BOTH OF YOU. Your plot is doomed to fail! I SHALL TRIUMPH AGAINST ALL ODDS!
Also: Here’s a fun little video showing today’s ride:
50ish recent tracks, mostly picked by my phone.
I listen to some goofy stuff.
Are You a Magician? – SoKo
Candy-Coated Popcorn, Peanuts and a Prize [Crackerjack commercial]
The Ties That Bind – Bruce Springsteen
How Now (ft. Feist) – Snowblink
Remote Control – Beastie Boys
World Of Shit – Eels
Garden – herbal tea
Hard to Handle – Otis Redding
Shrooms – Interlude – The Lonely Island
True Love Ways – Buddy Holly
Try It Baby – Marvin Gaye
Got No Heart – The Paper Hearts
A Fine Romance – Billie Holiday
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Country Sad Ballad Man – Blur
Dream TV – The Sugarcubes
Who’s Mess, Who’s Tears – Made-Up
Wild Situation – Dennis Wilson
Funky Boss – Beastie Boys
Beside You – Van Morrison
I’m Gonna Let My Heart Do The Walking – Diana Ross and The Supremes
People Are Like Suns – Crowded House
Breakers – Local Natives
Calling Miss Khadija – Freddie Hubbard & Woody Shaw
Oldest Story In The World – The Plimsouls
For Baby (For Bobby) – Peter, Paul & Mary
Jet Boy, Jet Girl – The Damned
Hey Ya – Outkast
Turn Away – Beck
In Dreamed Lives – Tender Tones
April Come She Will – Simon and Garfunkel
I’m Looking Through You – Ted Leo
Apartment – L I P S
I’m Telling You – CAPTAIN SCOTT
You Bowed Down – Elvis Costello
Champagne & The Starlite – Theya Hermann
Disappear – Beyoncé
Slow and Low – Beastie Boys
Captions – Dog Traders
Less – Ben Harper
Beggar’s Bliss – Luna
I Hate Myself For Loving You – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Honey Power – My Bloody Valentine
Taneo Dance Fever – Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra
Digging For Clams – Almonds, Cohen
50ish recent tracks, mostly picked by my phone. Some of these played while I was riding in the wind and couldn’t actually hear them, but I assume they were embedded in my brain subconsciously.
Marijuana – Cibo Matto
Don’t Call Me Billy (Demo) – Elliott Smith
Instrumental – Richard Thompson & Linda Thompson
Wish – Wyatt Smith
Chango – Ozomatli
Save It Pretty Mama – Louis Armstrong
Higher Ground – Stevie Wonder
Lowell, MA – Death Cab For Cutie
Do It Again – Hysterics
Stand! – Sly & The Family Stone
Severe Tire Damage Theme – They Might Be Giants
Sunshine Of Your Love – Cream
S-E-X-X-Y – They Might Be Giants
Tug of Love – Dennis Wilson
I Desire – Devo
Murder Of Crows – Jamie T
Anything – TOPS
Could You Drive Me Home – Preparation 500
I’ll See You in My Dreams – Django Reinhardt
Life Is Still Sweet – White Hassle
Hyacinth Blues – The Constantines
Temptation Waits – Garbage
polaroid smmr – Detective Deckard
Little Boxes (dirty version) – Kris Gruen
Mind Fuck – The Soft
Centerfold – The J. Geils Band
I’m In Great Shape – Brian Wilson
Runnin’ With the Devil (Van Halen cover) – The Vatican Cellars
Pump-Rama – Killer Pussy
He’s a Mighty Good Leader – Beck
Regrets – Ben Folds Five
I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) – Stevie Wonder
Go West – Liz Phair
My Guitar – Nader & the Trees
Jalousie – Esquivel
A Horse with No Name (America) – Larrikin Love
Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) – Nouvelle Vague
Tonight You Belong to Me – Trashcan Sinatras
Happiness – Callum Pitt
Le temps – Mha
Evil – Howlin’ Wolf
Modesty Plays [Extended Version] – Sparks
Witch Doctor – David Seville
Sky So Blue – Hot Flash Heat Wave
Seven Seas – Echo and the Bunnymen
Ballad – HAMJAM
Love Me Two Times – The Doors
Today I tell the tale of my greatest rival, my nemesis, my one true foe: Daniel Quinn. Who is Daniel Quinn? I JUST TOLD YOU HE IS MY FOE. MY MORTAL ENEMY, FOR CORN SAKE.
But if you want to know why he’s my foe…
About a year ago I started a project: to ride on every single street in the San Fernando Valley. It fell by the wayside, mostly because of bad weather and laziness, but also because it was hard to figure out exactly where the streets of the Valley ended.
But recently I found wandrer.earth, a site uses your ride data from Strava to figure out exactly what roads you have ridden and how much progress you have made. I signed up, went to my map, and saw this:
Look at that magic! A beautiful map showing all of my carefully planned trips to precisely cover every single street. And now I had a number: 18.66 percent. Only 81.34 percent left.
Then I saw the link to the leaderboard. I had to know if I was on top. I clicked the link.
I was number TWO. Who was number one?
DANIEL. QUINN.
And adding insult to injury, look at his map. JUST LOOK AT IT.
HE’S NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIT EVERY ROAD. He just rides so much that he’s picked up tons of streets ON A WHIM.
He is the most dangerous kind of mortal enemy:
the one who doesn’t know he is a mortal enemy.
I will crush him. CRUSH HIM.
In the Valley. Eventually. I hope. Everywhere else he will destroy me. See how most of my rides are straight lines, and how his are all bendy? That’s because he rides the hills. A lot. He could probably knock out the Valley in a week if he tried.
So I must work silently to destroy him. And then, when my task is done, I shall gloat on his Strava page about conquering him, destroying him, humiliating him!
And he will say “Who are you?”
Sort of like this:
Dear Internet,
How are you? Fine, I hope. I am fine.
I’m sorry I haven’t written for a couple of months. I was really busy or something.
So much has happened since my last note. The most significant thing is that I saw Cats. This was my favorite song.
I also lost more weight. Most it from my beard.
I also got a new bike. It looks like this one, but red.
I made a little more progress on my project to ride every street in the San Fernando Valley.
I’m sorry I haven’t written lately. I will write more soon.
Your Friend,
Luke
P.S. Maybe the world is ending?
I took some pictures at the Women’s March on Saturday.
This is from Marvel Team-Up #74, where Spider-Man teamed up with the 1978 cast of Saturday Night Live.